I woke up the cat this morning

The thing about changing your life & living in unchartered territory is even thought you are generally much happier, stress does not completely disappear from your life.

Any life guru who tells you that is talking bullshit.

Changing your life it is not a zen experience that you flow through with perfectly coffered hair & a chai latte in your hand.

Change means taking a risk & with risk comes doubt, & the very real possibility of making mistakes.  Change also means actually reaching your dreams, which is scary.  Getting the things you want can be very scary, especially if you have been living in a comfortable haze of unfulfillment as you still had the hope of getting everything you wanted.  But, if you jump for it .. what if you fall & can’t get back up?

The struggle is real.

And the struggle is resulting in anxiety & insomnia.

I am not a stranger to insomnia.  I’ve been kept up at night with worry over a deadline or how I will pay my bills or because I’m depressed.  But, having insomnia because I’m excited about the unknown future is a new one.

Its night two now of insomnia.  Last night I woke up the cat at 5am because the birds were chirping & he thought he might score some food.  I may have slept last night I don’t know .. it is hard to say when you go through the stages of almost, maybe sleep.  I got woken up by a nightmare, one in which I could not move & an evil ghostly form was going to suffocate me with a pillow.  I could see the pillow moving towards me slowly but I could not move.  I had to wake myself to end the nightmare.

I don’t usually remember my dreams.  So this nightmare was interesting & clearly one that had meaning.  I think the dream is a metaphor of my fears.  I fear that I will revert to old habits, ones that keep me confined to my safe box & that I will become paralyzed by the opportunities before me & make the wrong choice.  Or no choice & just continue to float in a haze.

Sometimes I wonder how I built up these self-destructive habits.  But, I know that is a useless exercise.  It doesn’t matter how or why, the analysis does not help in providing a solution.  I have learned that you need to stop thinking & just do.  Do something.

Just Do It, like Nike says.

Push past the fear & embrace it.  I once read somewhere that feeling fear means you are alive.  So, logically if you stop feeling fear you are not living.

So if you find yourself reading this because you feel fear or anxiety about tomorrow, know that you are not alone.  There are a lot of use.  Me, that girl with the perfect Instagram fee, the guy that seems unfazed in any situation & you.  We all feel fear, we can’t sleep at night, but we are alive.

Good night.


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