Why I hate January

Not an accurate reflection of what anyone actually looks like lounging around their house in January.  

The weather. It’s cold, bleak and dark.  It either snows or snains.

I get sick.  And I mean sick.  In bed for multiple days, body aches and pains; need 2 weeks to recover; kill me now kind of sick.  Also, my mother yells at me about being sick, rather than being all understanding and motherly.  (Very confusing.)

Tis’ the season to undress Christmas.   I like Christmas decorations, they are merry and brighten up the bleakness of winner.  I always dread the day I have to remove the decorations, but get frustrated with having to clean around the tree by mid-January.

Hibernation.  I feel lethargic, a little depressed.  I just want to sleep all the time, never leave my house and eat more than I  should.  Which results in the inevitable worry that I am getting fat after eating an entire box of chocolates at midnight.  Welcome to hibernation!  It wouldn’t be so bad if I could sleep all day like, bears do.

There is nothing on TV.  And when I am hibernating I just want to curl up on the couch and watch some mindless boob-tub.  Not have to think about what I feel like watching from my own DVD collection.   How much Office can you watch?

Everyone is on the New Year’s Resolution Self-Improvement High.  I’m a big supporter of self-improvement and taking life by the balls and all that.  I’m not a big fan of New Year’s resolutions as they usually consist of the dream-world, unrealistic variety like …

  • “I will lose 35 pounds by May”
  • “I will be more patient and nicer to my idiot co-worker, who screws up all the time and I have to cover for him”
  • “I will be nicer to my mother-in-law and build a real relationship with her”
  • “I will climb Mount Everest”

It’s all well and good to have plans for the year, but why does everyone I know have to turn into some sort of prohibitionist, work-out, monk?  They all wake up at 5 am to go to the gym, have given up caffeine, drag you to some vegan restaurant that doesn’t serve alcohol and no longer want to stay out late on Thursday’s because they need to get to bed early.  Thus, I end up staying-in and watching nothing on TV as my friends delude themselves for a month.

I start dressing in the “at least I got out of the house and I’m warm” look. Outfit = big sweater, comfy jeans, warm socks.  I don’t bother buying new clothes as it’s too hard to try things on when you have to carry around your bulky coat and nothing looks good with winter boots on.   If I could leave my house in my sweats and bathrobe I would.

  • I end up signing up for an online dating site.  Whether it was due to boredom, pressure from my mother or my new year’s resolution.  If I am single in the new year, I WILL sign up for an online dating site or actually start using the one that has been dormant for 6 months.  The process usually goes something like this:
  • I will use pictures from the summer (thus spending 2 hours mournfully wishing it was summer) and maybe one from that Holiday party that I don’t look wasted or fat in.
  • Include one of my “new year’s resolution” goal thingies in my write-up as an actual activity or hobby.  Like hiking for example, which I haven’t done since I was 11.
  • Search through profiles of potential mates, only to get confused, frustrated and then depressed by the lack of/too much choice.
  • I will inevitably end up writing a stupid message to a guy that I actually do think is cute.  Yet because I’ve already drank 2 glasses of wine at that point, what I write will not sound as witty and clever as I though.  Luckily, my summer pictures and love of hiking seals the deal.
  • Correspond with a selection of guys.  3 end up being creepy.  At least one will offer to send me a picture of his “little man”.  Does so even after I politely decline.
  • Go on one disastrous date.
  • Delete my profile and go to a bar.
  • End up meeting hot guy at bar.

February is after January and I like February even less.  


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